If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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