I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
