I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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