I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So here I am, sexting at work.
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