Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
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i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
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i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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