Banned from zoo.
Again?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
