I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
