why didn't you poke me back
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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