She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
