I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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