I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
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One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
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It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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