The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
