can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
