Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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