I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
