Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Randomize