my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
