I want to walk on stilts...naked
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
