Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
