it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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