When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
