I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
