don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
