If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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