pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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