I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
