My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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