I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
