I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
He literally asked permission to hit on me
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
