im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
