i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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