Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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