awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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