The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
