Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
