mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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