How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
