I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
