Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
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No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
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Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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