I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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