I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.