did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is