I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
