Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
