why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
