bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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