Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.ā€¯ \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
