ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
