he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
