Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
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Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
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Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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