did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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