I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
