so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
